Newspapers / Daily Tar Heel (Chapel … / Nov. 20, 1987, edition 1 / Page 10
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Page 26 The Comical Friday, November 20, 1987 Dookie air ball tradition holds football team to mediocrity By JOHN MIFFED Dook football coach Steve Spurrier said this week he was happy with the way the Blue Devils have remained true to their slogan of "Air Ball," even though the team has struggled and sputtered and bungled its way to a 4 6 record this season. "I'm right proud of these fellers," drawled Spurrier, who went to Florida and played quarterback there and won the Heisman Trophy in a weak year for college football and then went to the NFL and stunk it up for a few years and then coached a little in the USFL for a team called the Tampa Bay Bandits or something and then was unem ployed for a while before coming to Dook because he needed the money real bad. "I don't give a hoot about our record as long as we put that dang ball up in the gosh darn air, ya know? I'm telling you, I'd rather have Steve Slayden who I just recently noticed has the exact same-initials as I do throw the ball 60 times and lose to teams like Wake Forest and N.C. State than throw less and win those games. "I just love to see that there pigskin a hurtlin' through the air. Especially in beautiful Wally World Stadium, where, jeepers, the Gawd-dang grass is always the purdiest shade of brown, though I guess that means it's actually dead. But don't pay that no never mind. We don't have to play in that little oF place again this year, so just leave me the heck alone. OK?" Spurrier's defensiveness was a supposed by product of the recent pressure he's been under recently, or at least lately, from the Iron Dooks. . According to an exclusive report published in The Comical a few days ago where we kinda got a real scoop for once, a member of the Iron Dooks, who we said wished to remain anonymous mainly because our crack repor ter, Stephen (Hey, youse guys, quit callin' me "Whoopi," awright?) Goldberg lost the note pad with the fellow's name, said he had a good rumor for us and we printed it. "That's totally, completely, absolutely, wholly untrue," Spurrier said about our rumor that he was actually hired just because his name was Steve. "They hired me because I'm a good oF boy and they didn't want anybody to notice that (former Blue Devil head coach) Steve Sloan (who was much nicer than his successor and was a better golfer) had left. And also because of my initials they're just like his, ya know?" In other news, The Comical has learned two things from a source close to the Duke men's basketball team. The first thing, which wasnt that big a deal actually but it is anyway, was that All-American women's player Chris Moreland was secretly tutoring Billy King on his free-throw shooting. According to the source, who at first said it was OK to identify him but then said it wasnt, "Billy's from Virginia, Chris is from Virginia; Billy's a terrible free-throw shooter, Chris is a fine shooter. So why not?" King, a 6-foot-6 senior from Sterling, Va., who is extremely overrated just because writers like The Durham Morning Herald's Steve Mann keep making such a big thing of his defense, has improved somewhat since shooting just 32.5 percent from the charity stripe as a freshman. But according to the source, "Billy's still a brick mason at the line. Anybody who knows anything at all about basketball will tell you that." The unnamed source also disclosed that Moreland had been working with 7-foot supergeek George Burgin on his rebounding. As for the second rumor, it was reported to us by the source that Duke head basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski would soon legally change his name to "Coach K." New York Times news makes homey headlines in The Comical By JON ANGRYHILL The Comical hired two new student writers Thursday, doubling the paper's staff, editor Rocky Road has announced. "Of couse, both of them will spend all of their time typing in stories from The New York Times News Service, since that's all we ever run," Rosey said. The Comical takes all of its news from The New York Times wire service, Rozen said, because Dook students dont read anything but stock listings and bank statements. "We like to think of ourselves as a carbon copy of The New York Times," he said. Since the Times usually beats The Comical staff at covering university events, there is really no reason to employ any other student journalists, added co-managing editor The 'r'ese MaTier. Students who write for The Comical try not to have original thoughts and squeeze in news reporting between chapters of ancient Greek philosophy, said news editors Laura Trivial and Ham Burger. "Here at Dook, we try to stifle free thinking, initiative and creativity whenever possible," they said, quoting in unison from The Comical manual. Since most Dook students read The New York Times at their New Jersey homes, they also enjoy seeing the paper's familiar format at school, Trivial said, again quoting from The Comical manual. "Most of our students will end up doing menial secretarial work for Tar Heel grad uates, so the typing is good practice, too," added Jack Ruby, contributing editor. Asked about his title, Ruby said: "I contribute things." Other staff members extolled the virtues of The New York Times. "They have really neat-o photographs," said photography editor Peter Awoman. "The pictures I get with my Polaroid aren't half as good." New SAT dating service helps canine-like Dookies score big By IGOTTA SCORE Dook students have responded enthu siastically to Date Only Good Scholars (DOGS), a new campus dating service that matches up students with similar SAT scores. The dating service places men and women in several categories, including Zinger (perfect 1600s), Hot Stuff (perfect scores in verbal or math), Real Babe (1400 to 1500), and Sourballs (1300 to 1400). Students with scores below 1300 are classified as Wet Noodles. "I think it's really wonderful," said Maggie Horsefeathers, a Trinity sopho more from New Jersey. "I mean, it gets to be really embarrassing, when you go out with a guy you think you really like, then you find out he's one of those, you know, below-1200 types." Ernie "E.E." Electron, an electrical engineering major from New Jersey, said he came up with the idea for the service after several dating experiences he des cribed as "real turnoffs." "IVe had some awful dates," Electron said. "I went to see 'Revenge of the Nerds' it's my favorite movie last year with a girl who only got 600 on math. Of course, I didn't find out until I already paid for her ticket. Talk about a short circuit she didn't want to talk about our next transistor assignment or anything." Electron said the service will be set up in the Brain Center (Dook's Student Union), so students can register on their way to classes. He hopes the service will eventually provide subscribers with information about the grade point averages, stock portfolios, annual parental income and average checkbook balances. Most students interviewed this week were enthusiastic about the new service. "We really need something like this here" said Irma Einstein, an urban blight major from New Jersey. "I can't believe some of the guys at Dook. They expect me to comb my hair and brush my teeth before I go out on dates. "I mean, anyone interested in material and superficial things like that just isn't any fun," Einstein said, looking up from balancing her checkbook. "Knowing my date has a high SAT score will really make me feel more secure. Then we're sure to have things in common, so conversation doesn't lag in the middle of dinner." When her dates get dull, Einstein said she usually brings up homework problems or stock market prices to liven up the conversations. "We always have a lot to say about solving equations or researching term -w- ,,iim&JL JfcKwJfc It TfTf 4 ? f I'' It m tJL JUL. nr r' fMK -'-IT"" ' 4 wftftteWf j V''" ir: Penelope Pitbull 750 verbal, 600 math papers," she said. "In fact, we often end up in the library or the computer lab instead of at the movies." Electron said he has some supercharged ideas for DOGS activities. Several social events for DOGS members are already in the works. The biggest upcoming event is a spe cialized version of "The Dating Game," called "Guess My Father's Income." Electron said he was going to ask his father for money to broadcast the game across campus. "Hell probably just give me an advance on my allowance," Electron said. "He hasn't given me any big cash advances yet this week, anyway." Other planned DOGS programs are late night television parties to watch the financial wrap-ups on "Wall Street Week," catch up on the Jersey shore tide reports and work on computer programs. "Debugging a tough PASCAL program can be more fulfilling than, well, almost anything," Electron said dreamily. "Sure beats sex." REJECT from page 1 As the meeting drew to a close, members stood up one at a time, and admitted to their problem. "My name is Biff Fauntleroy Cartwell Jamison VII and I'm a Harvardaholic," said a young man in a blue sweatshirt with a Choate insignia. "My father had a large loss on the stock market and couldnt pay off the admissions director. I aspire to be a pro-golfer but without a Harvard degree I'm destined to be a caddy." Blue Devil survey reveals better personal hygiene among Dookies By LAURA TRIVIAL Ninety-three percent of Dook males prefer unwaxed dental floss to waxed, according to results of the 1987 Blue Devil Student Health Survey released Thursday. "Frankly, I'm astounded," said Herbert Geritol, director of the annual poll. "This finding represents a complete reversal of last year's survey. I commend Dook men for toughening up their gums." This year's survey of 823 students was conducted Nov. 9 at Dook Medical Center. "We were lucky because of the rash of pencil stabbings that day," he said. "With 823 students being treated for lead poisoning, our sample pool was greatly increased." Geritol said that more and more students are beginning to take pride in personal hygiene. "Hygiene is up campus-wide," he said. Geritol added that the percentage of students who regularly clean out their hairbrushes is now in double digits, and some students are going even further. "I use Q-Tips to clean out my ears instead of a pencil," Trinity junior Jason Waxee proudly wrote on his survey. Other findings from this year's health survey: o Next to pencil stabbings, the leading causes for visits to the medical center were Pringles can hand injuries and finger cuts from credit card overuse, respectively. a 3 percent of students surveyed noted that "The Alphabet Song" and "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" share the same melody. B 98 percent mistakenly identified Virginia basketball coach Terry Holland as "the guy in the Food Lion commercials."
Daily Tar Heel (Chapel Hill, N.C.)
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Nov. 20, 1987, edition 1
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