Newspapers / Daily Tar Heel (Chapel … / Nov. 20, 1987, edition 1 / Page 11
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The Comical FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 1987 DOOK UNIVERSITY PSEUDO-JERSEY, NORTH CAROLINA CIRCULATION: 12 VOL 666, NO. 13 I V U h Or ll s it 4 4 V BETHIE ANN GNARLYTHE COMICAL Distraught Dookies take the plunge after losing their monthly allowances in the stock market crash tock plunge repercussions plague campus By MERRILL LYNCHED Bowing to intense student pres sure, Dook President H. Keith H. Brodie declared Dook a disaster, area after last month's record stock market fall. Brodie's move came after a record number of students applied for withdrawal from the university, citing the undue stress caused by rearranging their investment portfolios. "This is tragic, just tragic," Brodie said, wiping his eyes as he looked over a student's long-term invest ment plans. "We had to change the quick cash limit in our bank machines from $1,000 to $50." The army of stock market ana lysts and psychiatrists that des cended on Dook's campus Oct. 19 is finally reporting a slight improve ment in the students' mental states, and more importantly, in their financial statements. , Immediately after phoning their brokers on Black Monday, students held an impromptu mass mourning in the quad. Some students, unduly moved by the Dow's 508-point plunge, jumped from Dook Chapel into the bushes below, according to witnesses. "They didn't even open the windas," said Heidi Dowfallski, a sophomore from Long Island. "They just flung themselves right through the glass because they knew theah BMWs were in dangea of " repossession." Several students were taken to Dook University Medical Center for Band-Aids and hot chocolate, babbling like children about their bruised stock portfolios. "They just stared into nothing, and they shook," said Dr. Nicholas Soldhigh, who treated several stu dents. "Many of them will have to transfer to state-supported schools up North because of this." University officials canceled classes for three days following the crash, and students held candlelight 'They just stared into nothing, and they shook.' vigils in memory of their fallen revenues. Dr. I. Soldsoon, Dook professor of stock market strategy, said the losses could have been avoided had the students not skipped his class the Friday before the crash to attend a football pep rally. "I tried to tell them," Soldsoon said. "But they had to see the football players. Well, you see where that's left them. Their team i 4-6, and their BMWs are going to be repossessed. I hope they have to transfer to New Jersey State." A few of the distraught students said they had been in constant contact with their brokers since the crash and were taking measures to alleviate the level of damage to their stock portfolios. "I just had to transfer the money into mutual funds," said Harvey Lostabundle, a junior from Tren ton, N.J. "I still lost a helluva lot in the fust round of the decline, though. "My mom and pop weren't too happy that I blew the $2,500 they had just given me for spending money." Other students were lucky. "I had all my month's allowance in T-bills," said Danny Poorhouse, a senior from Manhattan. "I wouldVe lost 5,000 bucks if I had invested in the maaket." Students said they are optimistic that the market will recover and that they will be able to keep their expensive cars. Many expressed pleasure at the notion of hiring Ivan Boesky to teach classes on investments. Boesky could not be reached for comment. Ivy League rejects help one another cope with low self-esteem By HAM BURGER The Ivy League Reject Support Group met Thursday to discuss methods' to alleviate feelings of worthlessness experienced by students rejected from Harvard, Princeton and Yale. Several of the depressed students said they chose to attend Dook because the Gothic buildings reminded them of Princeton. However, they were sorely disappointed to find out the buildings were cheap imitations actually built in 1979. Coupled with the lack of ivy, some students felt the need to drown their sorrows in Perrier. Support leader Skipp Klass III, sporting a Yale T-shirt, encouraged these students to hang plastic ivy in their dorm rooms. Klass, a recovering Yalie rejected from old Eli 11 times despite his. father's $2 million donation, said, "When it comes down to it, Dook isn't bad. TheyVe made quite an effort to maintain the proper environment with the imitation gothic and all. Admittedly, it's hard to grow ivy in North Carolina." Lois Atee, a freshman who bore the humiliation of being rejected by every Ivy League school, even the University of Pennsylvania, said she experienced night mares of graduation day. "It haunts me," she said. "Every time I go up to receive my D-D-D-Dook diploma, eight executives from 'Big Eight' accounting firms laugh evilly and chant, YouH never have a BMW, youH never have a BMW.' " Klass told Atee to call her father's New Jersey BMW dealership and place a rush order for a Harvard Crimson BMW. See REJECT on page 26
Daily Tar Heel (Chapel Hill, N.C.)
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