Newspapers / Daily Tar Heel (Chapel … / May 19, 1988, edition 1 / Page 9
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Reagans explore the 1 don't know about you, but when Donnie Regan's book came out last week about how a lady astrologer in San Francisco who used to be on tne Merv Griffin show has been telling Nancy Reagan what to do for the last eight years, I felt totally calm for the first time since Billy Beer came out. It was like finally finding out FOR SURE that your wife is cheating on you. Up till then I knew something was wrong, but I just couldn't put my finger on it. Everything is totally clear to me now: The country is under the total control of two crotchety old lipstick lizards who watch daytime TV. Did you see the hairdo on the Star Lady? It's the "Cosmo Cover Girl from Hell" Senior Citizen Discount Perm. Now look at Nancy "Killer Cheeks" Reagan, with the Steel Belted Radial Brillo-Pad Wave. Yes, we have a match. Soul sisters. THEY did it. Fortunately, thanks to the Free dom of Info Act, we were able to get some of the actual horoscope diary entries Nancy made since 1980, so now many things make sense that used to seem merely acts of a senile man wearing Hush Puppies. "Sept. 21, 1981, Virgo descending, 10th moon of Shecky in partial eclipse: A man named Hinckley wants to meet the president. Open yourself up to new relationships. Postpone major decisions. "Jan. 7, 1982, Capricorn in a painful double helix: Whoops! Avoid men named Hinckley. Don't fight Russia today and healthy hemor rhoids could result. Slash $80 billion in welfare services. Smile. Postpone major decisions. "March 30, 1984, Aries vomiting: Growth on your nose could mean improved sex life. Invite Sammy Davis to the White House as expres sion of support for Israel. Eat more fiber or theyll stick an electrified wire coat hanger up your urethra. Draw mustaches on Walter Mondale pos ters. Send message to Wall Street. Postpone major decisions. "May 24, 1986, Gemini coupling in a disgusting manner: Sacrifice a few M-16s to get hostages out of icky Arab places. A man named Poncho will come into your life and kill many Communists in Nicaragua send him a rifle. Avoid thinking about AIDS. Send another message to Wall Street this time feel free to write more than 'Hi, you guys, this looks like a lot of fun, running around screaming at each other and throwing paper on the floor.' Postpone major and minor decisions. "Sept. 29, 1987, Libra auditioning for a game show: Good time to invest in video games and oil wells. With increased wealth, allow life-partner to lift face once again. New projects should be delayed while you publicly forget old ones. Focus on bowel movements. "March 3, 1988, Pisces bass fishing: Excellent time to fire people, but stick to quotas. Assign task force to see if Israel is machine-gunning 14-year-old kids, but don't act rashly. Look into money for machine gunning 14-year-old kids in Nicara gua. Good time to speak publicly about dead 14-year-old kids brutally massacred by Iranians. When in doubt, watch the 'Cosby' show for ideas. Book by Donnie Regan will make you very happy. Eat more bran." Speaking of people that look like tumbleweeds, "Critters 2" has been Joe Bob Briggs At the Drive-in floating around the drive-in world, trying to recapture the magic of the movie that first asked the question, "What's eating the American farmer?" This time one of the local alfalfa-brain teenagers in Grovers Bend, Kan., goes into the old aban doned farmhouse where the Brown family used to live before most of it See JOE BOB page 12 A sa!e to remember . . . just in time for f - 6S l jn n r.. n n n - ISg O YAMAHA AVC-50 Audio-Video Surround Amplifier Includes lO audio and 4 video input and outputs, built-in video enhancer. 5 surround modes including Dolby surround, 45 watts per channel selectable front or rear. Reg. $549. Sale $349 HITACHI VT2010 VHSVCR All HQ circuits, 4-program, 14-day tuner, special effects, fully programmable from LCD remote control. 0 HITACHI VT 2100 VHS VCR Has all the features of the 2010-but with 4 heads for greater special effects. KENWOOD KV936 VHS Hi-Fi VCR Ha 4 heads, MTS and SAP, 14-day, 8-event timer, on-screen display from remote control. Reg. $950. Sale $599 Chapel Hill 210 W. Franklin St. (Across from Hardee's) 942-8546 Greensboro 2705 High Point Rd. (Next to McDonald's) 292-7400 . Reare,,ab,Jf. errors in prices Sale $349 Sale $399 stars as Critters chomp down WWMW WWW In the title role of - & KENWOOD Home System With Remote Control Includes. 76R Audio-Video Stereo Receiver 3 KENWOOD O YAMAHA Car System Includes the Kenwood 3002 AM-FM cassette receiver with autorverse, 24-station presets, seek, clock, Dolby B, fader, lO watts per channel and more, plus the new Yamaha 5010 6V2" dual cone speakers. Reg. $369. Sale 319 JVC O YAMAHA Car System Includes the JVG KS-R18 AM-FM autoreverse cassette deck with 8 watts per channel, digital tuner with presets, scanning, clock, separate bass and treble and more plus the Yamaha YCS-400 4" full-range speakers. Reg $289 Sale$199 Fully automatic, legendary performance Bang&Olufsen RX-2 Turntable 'And get the cartridge at half price. $249 7 AUDIO VIDEO CAR STEREO Jf Since 1974, A Total Commitment to Serve Our Customers and specifications do occur.in printing We reserve the I . .: ...I f Ss. I. . 1 "Critters 2" are these toothy porcupine tumbleweeds graduation, too . . . now through May 31! 70 watts per channel, 5-band graphic equalizer, 24 tuner presets and more. DP 560 Compact Disc Player 20-track random-program memory. JL460 Speakers 2-way speaker system. Sale $479 C2 YAMAHA KX 200 Cassette Deck With Dolby B&.C. 2-motor transport. Re$229. sale $199 Reg. $785 Li A t Fl no right to correct such errors Some items similar to illustrations Some quantities limited ne lar Heel Thursday, May 19, 19889 frrrrn?) Speakers Our most popular speakers! Model 4A Reg. $199 pr. Sale $75 ea. Model 4.5 Reg. $244 pr. Sale $95 ea. O YAMAHA GE20 Equalizer Ten-band independent left and right channels. Reg. $149. Sale 9995 i S0g!Z Is:: KENWOOD DPM 960 Compact Disc Changer Changes up to 6 discs, fully programmable, remote control. Reg $349 Sale $239 KENWOOD DP86O Compact Disc Player Twenty-track random programming, 3-beam laser, wireless remote control. Reg. $295. Sale $189 Raleigh 7105 Glenwood Ave. (Next to Circuit City) 782-4111 Winston-Salem 1608 Stratford Rd. (In front of Circuit City) 7680150
Daily Tar Heel (Chapel Hill, N.C.)
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May 19, 1988, edition 1
9
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