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DTH Omnibus Page 3
Thursday November 30, 1989
AY WIN! AT?
The freedom-fighter credo: If you only
believe, you can reach the place that itches
Editor's note: We received this col
umn through the mail, postmarked Pari'
ama City, Fla. It was printed in crayon
(burnt sienna and periwinkle) , and had
Smurf stickers and dried Lucky Charms
horseshoes and clovers inside, and was
signed "Juan (Long live Castro!) Blan
dez" Our guess is that John is stressing
out a little. Anyway, here's what he
ear Omnibus staff and both
Oof my devoted fans,
I am unable to complete
J my regular Less Filling the
sis for this week because I have de
cided to join the revolutionary Free
dom Agents for the Release of
Trinidad-Tobago (FARTT). I regret
to inform you of this, but with four
papers, finals and next month's rent
staring me in the face, I felt that
being a coward and running away
was the only answer.
Americana, queen ofwrastlirV
or the last three years I've been
followed around by the Gor
geous Ladies of Wrestling. I
n can't get rid of them. I don't
know how it happened. I mean,
I sort of know how it happened. I
was at a TV convention in Houston,
the kind of place where Connie Ste
vens parades around in a flowery
blouse and Roger Ebert munches
popcorn, and this friend of mine said,
"Matt Climber is doing this awful
thing. It's so sleazy. It's just horrible.
It's called Gorgeous Ladies of Wres
tling, and he wants you to see it."
And I said somethin like "Whahr
Matt Climber is a drive-in legend.
He not only directed the classic Hun
dra, the story of an Amazon goddess
who, in order to preserve her race,
must journey to the Land of the Bull.
But he's also the finest director who
was ever married to Jayne Mansfield.
So for the rest of the day I tried to
get over there to see Matt, but all I
saw were a bunch of girls in Spandex
leotards and high heels prancing
around in rabbit-fur shawls. They
never did wrestle. They just yelled at
each other. It wasn't even really good
yelling. They'd just say, "You slut,"
and then the other one would say,
"You call me a slut, you slut?" And
they'd go on like that for a while
until the crowd wandered over to see
what new Ruth Westheimer mini
series was on the market this year.
A few months passed, and I was
flipping around the channels one day,
and here it comes Gorgeous Ladies
of WrestUng. The wrestling ring is in
a Vegas hotel, and there's about 10
people in the audience. And they've
got even better material. They're
screaming, "I'm gonna claw your eyes
out," and "Eat this, old lady," but
they're still not wtestling. And, come
to think of it, they're not that "gor-
x jw .t y: jrj rsc ; flfWM my
I am doing very well here in Pan
ama City. Strangely enough, I haven't
seen that Noriega fellow yet. Also, I
keep asking for directions to the canal,
but people just keep giving me the
oddest looks. It must have something
to do with my military garb. I sup
pose they think I'm a Panamanian
soldier or something. We FART I 's
get that a lot down here. Anyway,
I'm adjusting to the new language,
but I'm amazed that the Panama
nian citizenry speaks English so well.
Anyway, I have found a new focus
for my life. Our leader, Bert, says
that our objectives are within reach.
Sometimes it's hard to understand
Bert because he keeps referring to us
Joe Bob Briggs
.VM 3fc jl . V x M V. x 9i Wat V, a
geous," either. I watch for about 10
minutes, but there's no wrestling, so
1 switch to ESPN and check out the
Ethiopian Sandal-Toss Tournament.
More months pass. Now I'm start
ing to see Gorgeous Ladies of Wres
tling everywhere. It's in TV Guide.
It's on the marquees in Vegas. Some
nights, you can't avoid it on TV. So I
watch it again, and this time they're
doing old bits from Hee Haw. And
they're still not wrestling. And I'm
thinking, "What is this?" Then it hits
me. This isn't wrestling. This isn't
Hulk Hogan This is based on real
life. Haven't you ever seen your girl
friend or wife scissor-claw your best
friend with her thighs? They're just
taking real life and putting it on TV.
I thought that was it. Good job,
Matt. Another classic contribution
to western civilization. Then I get a
call from these guys in California that
are gonna put out a new line of video
movies and blah blah blah and
America is ready for a new kind of
action film blah blah blah and this
film has a lot of explosions and auto
matic weapons fire blah and the best
part is the star is Cindy Maranne.
"Cindy Maranne ?"
"You know, Americana on Gor
geous Ladies of Wrestling."
"Americana! Send me that sucker
Because, as you know, there's
something about a woman in tight
shorts with a machine gun strapped
across her chest that says, "Hey,
women are people, too!"
The movie is Provoked, and Cindy
gets a little ticked off because her
as "Ernie," especially since I'm the
only other member of FARTT, but
we're getting used to it. "If you only
believe," Bert is fond of saying, "you
can reach that place that itches so
bad." Bert is a great guy.
FAR'lT's goals are simple: the re
lease of Trinidad-Tobago into our
hands, the resignation of the present
administration, the implementation
of resort-redistribution, the chang
ing of the language to Pig Latin, and,
most importantly, the renaming of
the main thoroughfare to "Sesame
Street." That last one was. Bert's idea.
We are planning our first terrorist
act, but I have to keep it a secret. All
I can say is that it involves Krazy
Glue and Preparation-H. Either that
or we're planning to spike the Miami
water supply with Metamucil. I'm
thinking that the first act would be
more terrible; nobody might notice
husband gets taken hostage by some
deranged bozos with guns right be
fore the honeymoon. Should she let
the cops handle it? Or should she go
find 27 million rounds of automatic
weapons ammo and burst into the
room where the hostages are being
held with a burp-gun blasting? I think
we all know what Cindy does.
From the opening scene, an excel
lent ripoff of 48 HRS., to the closing
scene, an excellent ripoff from Don't
Go in the House, this movie is so
cheap it's mesmerizing. Parts of it are
actually shot on video, making it look
and sound just like your grandpa's
Christmas movies. And as for the
kung fu scenes well, at least Cindy
is starting to wrestle a little bit.
Four breasts, but not Cindy's.
(Shame on you, Americana.) Twenty
four dead bodies. (But I could swear
some of these actors get killed twice.)
Multiple body searches. One mob
scene (if eight people constitutes a
mob). Fried terrorist Fu. Video Fu.
Drive-In Academy Award nomina
tions for Daniel Kwong, who guns
down a pathetic old lady running
down the stairs and then says, "Next
time, take the elevator"; Ona Simms,
who does a live interview with the
wife of a hostage and asks the ques
tion, "When do you think they'll kill
your husband?"; Sharon Blair, as the
blonde bimbo secretary who turns
Patty Hearst on her friends; Joe
Sprosty, for saying, "They don't call
me Machine Gun Joe for nothing";
Joe Diamond, an expert on terror
ists, for saying, "I'm afraid we Ameri
cans don't know how to be good
hostages"; and Cindy Maranne, who
tells the police that there are "fresh
donuts out front," so she can sneak
inside and start firing at terrorists.
My kind of movie. Three stars. Joe
Bob says check it out.
Oh, I've also found a beautiful girl.
She tried to lose me, but I still found
her. We're planning to get married
as soon as she starts speaking to me.
Her name is Marina, and I first met
her last J ueves (that's Thursday to all
you uncultured primitives), when she
was coming out of the local groceria
and I was rooting around in the el
dumpstero Dempster, looking for scraps
of la turkeyo. It was love at first sight.
I swore my love, and she tried to run
me over with her Chevette. Little
minx! Always playing hard to get.
Anyway, tell Rainbow I've finally
DINNER EVERY NIGHT & SUNDAY BRUNCH
610 V. FRANKLIN ST. CHAPEL HILL, NC
fresh clams, shrimp, prosciutto, sauteed with onion, green peppers
and mushrooms over a bed of rice, is delicious as well as the best
value in town at only M0.95!
Chef Chan disagrees! He favors the Seafood Basket which has lobster
meat, large shrimp, scallops eP king crab meat. This dish is served with
crispy vegetables in a unique potato basket and Chef Chan insists it is
the freshest seafood dish ever created!
Whose dish is best is debatable, but the fact that these are the best
Italian & Chinese Chefs in town is certain!
Let us host your next Christmas Party in our beautiful
formal China Room, Beginning with cocktails,
appetizers and finish with a sit down dinner.
Please Bring Your Friends for a Lavish
International Sunday Buff ett
Prime Rib Egg Plant Parmigiana Shrimp Vegetables
Chicken Picante Beef Broccoli Curried Chicken
Spring Rolls Shrimp Cocktail Six fresh & mixed salads
fresh fruit & dessert
Lunch: 11:30-2:30 (except Sat.)
Sunday International Luncheon
Dinner: 5:00-9:30 (Sun.-Thurs.)
Weekends: 5:00-1 1:00
1813 Durham-Chapel Hill Blvd
located next to Btrndle's
gone communist. She'll be so proud.
Shortly after receiving this letter, we
were notified by the Panama City police
department that a couple of guys were
found 'wandering downtown with tubes
of Preparation-H glued to their finger
tips. When apprehended, one kept say
ing, "Sunny day, everything's A-okay"
while the other kept yelling, "Less Fill
ing! Tastes Great!" Officers found iden
tification on the latter, and sure enough,
after he gets the proper treatment, we'll
be seeing John again very soon. Proba
bly sooner than we'd like.
Italian and Chinese
Chefs are arguing. . . Can
Chef Giovanni from Florence, Italy,
insists that his Polio Alia Sorrentina
sauteed with eggplant, prosciutto &
spinach in a red sauce then topped
with mozzerella cheese is the best Italian
dish in the Triangle area!
However, our Chinese Chef Simon Chan
thinks his General Tao's Chicken looks,
tastes t) smells just as good!
Chef Giovanni interrupts to add that his
Gamberi Creole, which is created with
children under 10 half-price
Please call Ad Talk 1-800-634-8448,
then 1519 after tone for
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