APRIL 8.2006 • Q-NOTES
Q-Living
21
Although Esera had an older, gay
brother named Uia, the two weren’t espe
cially close. Indeed, their mutual sexual
orientation was more of a wedge than a
common bond. TUa died of AIDS in 1992
at age 29, and his younger brother still
deeply regrets that they didn’t communi
cate more.
However, the most poignant aspects of
‘Alone in the Trenches” are Tuaolo’s lone
liness and overwhelming fear of discovery
while playing in the NFL. “My success tor
mented me,” he admits. “The better 1 did,
the more exposure I received. The more
exposure, the greater the chance of some
one discovering my secret. ...The stress
nearly killed me.” Although he rarely
encountered direct homophobia, the
atmosphere of machismo, testosterone
and presumed heterosexuality was debili
tating. “[Elvery day, I walked into the fear.
The fear that if I slipped up, said the
wrong thing, looked at another naked
player too long, got an erection in the
shower, I’d get outed — and then they
would hurt me.” Tuaolo reluctantly dated
women to maintain the illusion of hetero
sexuality, but often drowned his sorrows
with shots of tequila. More than once, he
considered suicide. Then in 1997, he met
Mitchell Wherley.
The two men hit it off immediately,
but a long-distance relationship, com
bined with Tbaolo’s many issues (some
stemming from childhood sexual abuse),
made things extremely difficult at times.
Eventually, Tltaolo retired from football
(his stint with the Carolina Panthers
would be his last), partly due to injuries
suffered over the years, but mainly
because the strain of keeping his rela
tionship a secret was tearing it apart.
Tuaolo doesn’t pretend that he and
Mitchell are the perfect couple, but his
love for his husband and their two
adopted children (Michele and Mitchell,
Jr.) comes across quite clearly.
Tuaolo and Rosengren’s writing style
is simple and straightforward without
being simplistic: it’s geared toward read
ers of all levels. Sports fans will enjoy the
sort of insider knowledge that can only
be gleaned from nine years on the grid
iron, while gay readers will identify with
his conflict at having to hide his true self.
There’s very little swearing, and most sex
takes place offstage. Nor does he go into
detail about the adoption procedures of
their two children; they simply pop into
the proceedings as if by magic. Also, he
doesn’t hide his devout Christian faith,
and frequently takes right-wing
Christians to task for their intolerance
and the hatred they spread in the name
of the Lord.
With disarming candor and a good
deal of hopeful optimism for the future,
Esera Tuaolo has scored big-time with a
winningly well-done autobiography. He
may not have won a Super Bowl, but he
has nonetheless achiev^ victory in living a
happy, openly gay life.
Info:
'Alone in the Trenches; My life os o Gay Mon in the
NFL'
by Esera Tuoolo with John Rosengren
Sourcebooks, Inc.
$24.95
Gre
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