Newspapers / Brevard College Student Newspaper / March 26, 2010, edition 1 / Page 8
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Page 8 THE LAST FRONTIER The Clarion \ March 26, 2010 Horoscopes With special thanks to Rush Limbaugh Aries- In an attempt to gain viewers, C-SPAN will broadcast old school WWF wrestling. Viewers will be unable to notice the difference from the usual congressional coverage, but rate it favorably noting that it was the most civilized they’ve seen Washington in years. Lucky Sense- Smell, as in what the Rock is cooking Taurus- They say don’t sweat the small stuff, but unfortunately, due to the abnormal size of your sweat glands, all your sweat is small. Lucky Color- Pit Stains Gemini- The appearance of leprechauns in your life this week will lead to mischief. Tiny, hairy, funny speaking mischief. Lucky color- St. Patrick’s Day hangover Cancer- This week’s moneymaking tip: Consider getting an autotuner put straight into your voice box, because then it doesn’t matter how bad your singing voice is! Lucky color- Paranoid Android Leo- Selling ad space to drug dealers to let them advertise their products will be the savior of the print news industry and the downfall of the illegal drug industry. Lucky color- Green veggies with a little white salt on top Virgo- When Texas’ new textbooks begin chronicling Latin American acheivements in relation to American landscaping improvements, no one will be surprised. Lucky color- Home Depot sign Libra-In an odd turn of events, after being removed from China because it refused to censor search results, Google will begin redirecting searches of the word “China” to the Babies ‘R Us website. When reached for comment, a Google spokesperon will attribute this to China being populated by “a bunch of whiny crybabies.” Lucky color- Some cheese with that w(h)ine Scorpio-1 septuple dog dare you to do it. Seriously. Lucky color- You know... Sagittarius- In an ironic twist. Republican senators will be the first beneficiaries of the new healthcare plan when political fighting turns into real fighting. Lucky color- Elephantitis Capricorn- You will make a career selling ‘little people’ to the Chinese government to entertain children. Lucky color- Tiny little tears Aquarius- Vote for Brevard for “The Coolest Small Town in America!!” Lucky color- White Squirrel Pisces- After lobbyist pressure reaches a tipping point, the food pyramid will begin suggesting at least 5 servings of McDonald’s daily. This will be a reduction for most of Middle America. Lucky Color- Ronald McDonald’s hair Takeout can eat up your savings. Pack your own lunch instead of going out. $6 saved a day X 5 days a week x 10 years X 6% interest = $19,592. That could be money in your pocket. Small changes today. Big bucks tomorrow. Go to feedthepig.org
Brevard College Student Newspaper
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March 26, 2010, edition 1
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