Newspapers / The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.) / April 2, 2004, edition 1 / Page 22
Part of The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.) / About this page
This page has errors
The date, title, or page description is wrong
This page has harmful content
This page contains sensitive or offensive material
Page 4 WWW.GUILFORDIAN.COM The culinary hell of a Potluck Wednesday Charles Haslam _ Staff Writer The hearty restaurateur should avoid three places no matter what: McDonalds, gas station conven ience stores, and local elementary schools. Nowhere is this more evident than at Clara Barton Elementary School, pos sibly the worst of them all. Having dined at several educational establishments, I should have known better. But when Mrs. Fisher's 2 nc ' grade class invited me to their weekly potluck lunch, 1 agreed to sample their wares. Bad decision. The food left my palate screaming for Amnesty International's interven tion. For "Potluck Wednesday," Mrs. f-Tsher's class brought a succession of baked goods that would make Martha Medical miracles from around Eamon Barker Staff Writer Good news, everyone! Smoking has been found to c -v be the leading cause j] of cancer remission in J f " a recent study by the Cj' *' R.J. Reynolds jVj Department of Smoking Analysis. The Ci'r chemicals in cigarette 3 smoke apparently deny yj oxygen to the cells f(' of cancerous tis sue, starving them and caus ing tumors to decompose. This recent finding has led to increased amounts of cigarette smoke in metropolitan areas, increas ing the amount of smog. ~—'— '■ : ■ MI i i FEATURES WWW.FNS.USDA.GOV On the menu today: Pain. Horrible, unbridled pain Stewa rt have an aneurysm in her jail cell. The hor ror began with seven year-old Colin Harper's offensive rendition of the chocolate chip cookie. Harper appeared to have substituted the classroom chalk for flour, and the chocolate chips were so hard, they impaled my tongue. The class continued its assault on my taste buds with eight year-old Krissy Connolly's peanut butter brownies. Despite the fact that she was born without a left arm, there is Smog does increase the tempera ture of an area, research by the National Institute of Things Getting Hot has shown that this increase in heat is actually beneficial to the envi ronment. The heat stimulates the growth of plants and may lead to a longer crop year. Farmers have flocked to the sub urbs, buying large tracts of parking lot and breaking through the asphalt to the fresh soil underneath. Tofu Unfortunately for vegetarians, tofu has also been the subject of recent attention. The enzymes in processed soybeans closely mimic some of the digestive enzymes creat ed by the body. The surplus of these enzymes cre ates effects very similar to the effects of leprosy: the body begins to destroy and left my taste buds convulsing in pain. Next came eight-year-cld Colleen Thompson's contribution. Her repul sive chicken fajitas were concocted out of some animal which tasted more like undercooked squid than poultry. And her toppings of tomatoes, lettuce, and baked beans brought a new and itself. More about the results from this study will be released as scientists determine how quickly tofu causes the body to break down. "I was digging into a plate cf tofu, when I noticed this weird, meaty taste," said a sophomore vegan stu dent, who wished to remain anony mous. "I looked down, and my finger had fallen off onto my fork." Good news for dieters: lager beer has been found to be an effective aid in weight loss. The carbonation in { beer leads to build-up of gases in the stomach, which creates a feeling of GREENSBORO, NC terrifying meaning to the phrase, " beans, beans the magical fruit ..." Then I tasted the work of seven year-old Bobby Garnish, who unfortu nately lacked any kind of garnish in his nauseating macaroni and cheese. This plain presentation of such a mediocre dish would make Julia Child's head spin in circles and fire shoot out of her eyes. My inferno of heartburn aside, the problem with these culinary catastro phes is that the teachers and parents are leading the children to believe that they actually have talent. If their cookies are this bad now, what will the beef burgundy be like in thirty years? They might as well serve from the right! In the meantime, if you find yourself at Clara Barton Elementary School, it would be in your best interest to fake a seizure and take your food in IV form. Until then, Bon Appetit! simply no excuse for the blas phemous cookies Connolly brought to the class. Her cook ies were baked in what seemed to be a four alarm fire the world beer casually; 18 to 20 bottles in the period of 60-90 minutes is recom mended for maximum results. Coffee has been found to, among other things, reduce the risk of heart in an ongoing iment by feestudies lational, a nonprof it group of bean growers, a new type of coffee bean has come onto the mar- WWW.HOWA.LIB ket. The study, spon sored by the Society of Unlicensed Neurosurgeons, shows that coffee has a positive effect on digestion, prevents the formation of gallstones, and cleanses the colon. In addition, coffee is shown to be only mildly harmful in large doses - one pot of coffee is 6.3% less damaging to the body than three packs of cigarettes smoked in rapid succession. I'm Scoop Chang, Beijing Bugle, with your weekly medical miracles update. fullness and stops test sub jects from eating. Binge drinking has been found to be even more effective than con sum i n g APRIL 2, 2004
The Guilfordian (Greensboro, N.C.)
Standardized title groups preceding, succeeding, and alternate titles together.
April 2, 2004, edition 1
22
Click "Submit" to request a review of this page. NCDHC staff will check .
0 / 75