FORUM
Let go of your pitiful-me stories
Nigel
Alston
Motivational
Moments
"Every man stamps his value
on himself . ..Man is made great
or small by his own will. "
-J.C.F. von Schiller
Do any of these phrases
sound familiar to you?
"r don't have time to...."
"If only 1 didn't have so
much to do, I could.. ."
"I plan to do it; however "
"I *ave the material for a
book, but... "
They are very familiar to me.
They are mine. I have used them
(and others) at one time or
another, not knowing that they
were influencing my behavior,
my decision-making and my
ability to move forward success
fully. In some cases, they were
excuses I used for not doing
something I was being chal
lenged to do, something I said I
wanted to do, or I lacked confi
dence in doing.
Recently, after reading an
article ("Powerful Stories") by
Molly Gordon, I realized the
need (o make another shift in my
thinking going into the new year.
Gordon's message was just the
reinforcement 1 needed.
According to Gordon, a cer
tified professional coach who
helps independent professionals
and artists reconcile the chal
lenges of building thriving
livelihoods and loving their
lives, there is power in the sto
ries we tell. The phrases above
and below, in Gordon's words,
attest to the power of story. You
have used and/or heard a few of
these too, I'm sure:
"That's the story of my life."
"When I retire, I will...."
"I don't have any money."
"When things get better ..."
"If I didn't have bad luck, I
would not have any luck at all."
"You just don't understand."
"What's your story?"
"I want to hear the whole
story."
1 could identify with Gordon
as I read about the poverty story
she used once too often, that is
until she had a shift in her think
ing one day when being solicited
to give money to a charity.
"I used to tell a poverty story
as a matter of course," she
wrote. Her story line, as she calls
it, was: "I'm poor; poor me." It
was reflected in comments like
these.
"I can't afford it."
"I can't ever get ahead.
Every time I sav? some money
something breaks-and I need to
spend it."
An interesting thing hap
pened one day as she was about
to repeat that story line one more
time, the "umpteenth time," as
she describes it. She heard a
voice in her mind say: "That's
not true! That hasn't been true
for years. 1 have about as much
money as I choose to have, and,
if I wanted to. I could contribute
to this.cause."
That's when she changed her
story to one of possibility and
plenty. Since that time, she says,
she has paid attention to the
story she is telling when she
talks about money. Why? "I
know that my financial success
and stability are directly tied to
the money storie* 1 tell," she
writes.
Ten years ago I had a similar
story when challenged by a
friend to write a column. "I
can't. I'm not a writer." I told
him repeatedly. He persisted in
challenging me. and eventually I
wrote a guest column for this
paper. Because of a lack of con
fidence. it was several weeks
later before 1 repeated the
process and submitted another
column. 1 was telling myself the
wrong story. And I was living up
to it.
"I can't."
"I'm afraid."
"What ajiill people say?"
"What will I write about?"
About five years ago. I had
that same mental shift Gordon
writes about. I changed my
story. 1 made a commitment lo
write weekly, and the rest has
taken care of itself. I told myself
1 would do it. I would sit in front
of the blank computer screen
and write. I held myself account
able instead of feeling sorry. 1
lived up to my new story.
Here are a few questions
Gordon would have you consid
er:
Are you telling yourself a
story that keeps you small? How
would it be to let go of your old,
sad stories and to accept respon
sibility for the great, good story
of your life?
"Stories shape our experi
ence' <hey explain or justify our
decisions, focus our hopes and
flesh out our dreams." writes
Gordon. 1" agree. Your success is
related to the story you tell. As
the new year stares you in the
face, think about this: Is it time
to change your story?
Nigel Alston is a radio talk
show host, columnist and moti
vational speaker. Visit his Web
site at www.motivationalmo
ments.com.
Are gays welcome in the church?
Rev. Barbara
Reynolds
Guest
Columnist
A network television ad
showed three muscular church
deacons kicking a homosexual
couple weeping and bleeding
from the church steps. A choir
provided background music
singing, "There's power in the
blood."
Things have not reached such
an ugly level yet, but they are
heading in that direction. If you
think a network wouldn't accept
such a bigoted ad or that no
church would perform such a
cold-blooded act, remember this
is a new era. The religious right
and the Bush administration are
calling the shots of the networks
in one repugnant, unholy
alliance, which is a dangerous
threat to Our First Amendment
guarantee of freedom of speech.
CBS and NBC apparently
have bowed to the climate estab
lished by the religious right by
rejecting an advertisement for the
United Church of Christ intended
to show that all people - even
gays - are welcome in their
church. The ad showed two
beefy bouncers behind velvet
ropes turning away a man who
appeared to be Hispanic, a young
black woman and two men hold
ing hands as they attempted to
enter a church.
"Jesus didn't turn people
away. Neither do we." the ad
reassured. Officials of the Cleve
land-based denomination with
6,000 congregations and 1.3 mil
lion members said the 30-second
ad was intended to emphasize its
inclusiveness.
NBC's rejection notice called
the ad "too controversial." ABC
has a blanket policy against reli
gious advertisements. But it was
CBS that let the cat out of the bag
that its rejection was political. In
a written explanation to the
church's ad agency, CBS said.
"The executive branch has
recently endorsed a constitution
al amendment to define marriage
as a union between a man and a
woman."
Also R. Albert Mohler Jr.,
one of the trumpeters of the reli
gious right, fumed that the ad
was "diabolical."
"So is the press a lap dog of
the religious right? And what an
over-reaction. The ad said noth
ing about same-sex marriages,
but even if it had. are Christians
supposed to take a hard-hearted
attitude against homosexuals as
being unworthy to sit down in a
church just because the religious
right says so? Churches are full
of adulterers, liars, backbiters
and thieves. So why should
homosexuals be excluded from
church, which is supposed to
express the love of Christ for all
people.
Rev. Ruth Harvey is the first
African-American pastor of the
previously all-white Trinity Unit
ed Church of Christ in York. Pa.
She said: "The ad was just saying
that God is still welcoming all
into His home. I will not perform
same-sex weddings. I do not
preach a compromised Gospel.
Yet. we should all be careful
about creating categories of 'us'
and 'them' because once we were
all sinners. Church is the one
place you can come in a sinner
and leave a saint if you adhere to
the Word."
The ad flap does, however,
touch a sensitive nerve in church
communities because many
Christians treat homosexuals as
lepers, forgetting that Jesus hung
around the lepers and healed
them. On the other hand,
although biblical texts, such as I
Corinthians 6:9, list homosexual
ity as a transgression that will
keep sinners out of heaven, many
gay rights leaders deny that it is a
sin.
"Just like in that ad, I have
felt like I was not welcome in
many churches," said Bishop
Kwabena Rainey Cheeks of
Inner Light Ministries in Wash
ington, D.C. "If you are gay or
lesbian. Christians are too quick
to tell us we are going to hell.
They are building bridges instead
of walls. Show me where Jesus
discriminates. Jesus cared about
the least of them and fought
against the oppression of the reli
gious oppressors and the govern
ment. instead of locking hands
with ihem as the church is doing
today."
Cheeks, who has AIDS, also
says the oppressive, judgmental
actions of Christians are forcing
more black men tp hide their
homosexuality by dating women,
many of whom they find in the
church. Unfortunately, this
lifestyle, called the "down low."
is one reason for the feminization
of HIV/AIDS. In 1998 African
American women constituted 64
percent of new female AIDS
cases.
So where does this leave the
church? Bouncing the homosex
uals out of the churches, as
would please the religious right?
Tolerating same-sex marriages?
There is a better way advo
cated by Pastor Keith Magee of
the Berachah Church in Boston.
"Christians should be winning
souls to Christ. How does one get
to know Him in truth, if they are
excluded from being where truth
is being delivered? It is God's
work to clean and to sanctify us;
man does not have that ability.
"I do not believe that homo
sexuality is of God and 1 will not
validate that lifestyle, but I will
not close my church doors to
anyone."
I would argue that only those
who have not sinned or are big
hypocrites are qualified /lo shut
others out of church. Who, then,
will be the first to block the door ?
Rev. Barbara Reynolds, the
religion columnist for NNPA, is
an author of four books, includ
ing "Out Of Hell & Living Well:
Healing from the Inside Out. "
She graduated from Howard
University School of Divinity and
the United Theological Semi
nary, where she earned a doctor
ate in ministry. She can be
reached at
www. reynoldsnews. com.
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