d
READ THE SHOCKING DETAILS OF SORDID
FACULTY SWAP PARTIES....an inside report
on page 31....
"HE GAVE ME A W/F AND I GAVE HIM THE
CLAP" ....a true campus adventure story....
SECRET FACTS LINKING URBAN INSTITUTE
WITH INTERNATIONAL COMMUNIST PLOT
TO CORRUPT YOUTH'S MORALS....a scoop
with full-color photos on page 43....
BLUEMOVIES AND BLUE BABIES: IS THERE
SOME CONNECTION, FRENCH OR OTHER
WISE? ....psychologist reveals truth....
EIGHT BASIC TEST-TAKING POSITIONS,
WITH YOUR LOVER AND PENCIL....a how-
to-do-it feature....page 19....
"I WAS IN WHO'S WHO BUT I DON'T KNOW
WHO'S THING WAS IN MY WHATCHAMACALLIT"
....luscious young coed exposes perverted story of
dorm life....page 24....
COMPUTER CENTER MATING DISCOVERED
....a pictorial essay showing 360s and 1450s in
strange relationships....page 14....
"PAUL REVERE WAS A FAG"....a true story
of a long-hair....history dept tells all....page 66....
THOSE BASEMENT
STAFF PARTIES ARE
STIFF"....confessions of
a Reese Bldg swish....
page 68%....
GEOLOGIST CLAIMS DIRT BASIC FACTOR
IN GETTING DIRTY.... a science report
voiuminoos vii, numberd 22, april the foist, 1972
SURPASSING EVERY SAGA OF GODS
AND HEROES. .THE TOWERING TRIUMPHS OF
THE MOST TREMENDOUS ADVENTURER
OF THEM ALL!!!
The National Journaler
“ail the bulhhit that’s fit to print
page one/the national journaler/april 1,1792
WINTER destroys
by sir thomas more
STRANGE DISAPPEARANCE OF BLACKS I^N SOUTH AND LARGE
QUANITIES of EASY-OFF FOUND UNDER GOVT REQUEST.
Rumors are flying in Washington
this week over President Nixon s new
Policy on busing. At last week s
conference on busing, federal funds
Were reportedly donated to several
southern states to implement the new
plan.
Last week a truck jack-knifed on
Highway 58 near Selma. Alabama and
3n entire truckload of Easy-Off-Oven
Cleaner was spewn all over the
highway.
Also near Selma, the Federal
government has reportedly
expropriated a large amount of land
near that city and has barred access to
civilians.
Yesterday, Hotpoint announced the
signing of a large government contract
Tor 800 specially equipped range to
be earmarked for delivery near Selma.
In addition, Selma residents have
noticed that a mysterious stench floats
in from the south around eight o’clock
in the evenings and have contacted air
pollution authorities to investigate its
source. . .
Merchants in Selma have reported
that mysterious men in uniforms come
into town at night and get drunk,
paving for their liquor with oddly
shaped gold nuggets.
And furthermore. Chambers of
Commerce all through the South
report the mysterious disappearance of
large numbers of Black youths, mostly
of school age. , _
The President s new plan has
received enthusiastic support from a
growing majority of Southerners.
McCulley
hangs
self
Former Journal editor Michael
McCulley today hung a full-color
portrait of himself, painted by hirn,
and donated by him to the school, in
the restroom of the University Center.
Speaking at dedication ceremonies
over the third stool, McCulley stated:
I hope this brings an end to dull, drab
bathrooms at this school. We need
some culture and art in these special
places. Nearly one-quarter of our lives
IS spent in solitary communion with
these cold seats, and I hope this small
dropping for mankind proves to be the
beginning of a trend."
Me Culley, a starched,
tfied-in-the-wool, radical, left-winged
pervert, hung the portrait and
proceeded to gracefully step into stool
number three, erroneously left
fnfiushed by the Sanitation
Committee of the Chancellor. Further
comments are unprintable, even in this
rag sheet.
This story, and people like this, are
Tull of pure bullshit, grade A, number
one type bullshit...
WHY IS THIS MAN
laughing?
by Charles dickens
The SGA announced plans at their
weakly meeting that in about two
weeks a Sperm Bank will be set up for
students and University citizens. The
committee working on the project said
in a report: "We think this is a service
the students have long needed. We plan
open easily-accessible night
depositories in Moore and Sanford
Halls soon."
The Sperm Bank, initially called
First Sperm National, will operate
around-the-clock, "just like sperm do,"
said one committee member. Easy
withdrawals are planned, and a special
feature of the Bank will be its
Long-Term Lay-a-Lay Away Plan.
SGA President Patterson said he
would be the bank's first depositor,
but plans to wait for the next full
moon when he normally changes his
trainino pants. "I plan to give the best
of myrelf to UNCe and its future,"
Patterson noted, quickly leaving the
meeting to check on his other pet
project, a' girl by the name of Loosey
Laydown, a freshman student from
somewhere near the Outer Banks.
THE POTTED
PSALM
Bulletin
Read inside about this
secret machine to pro
cess scientific data....
the fall of
BYZANTIUM
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WASHINGTON - (CPS) - A
research team from the American
Medical Association (AMA) has
released startling new findings which
are expected to reverse the
association's anti-marijuana stand.
After a year of research, the AMA
has announced that "only seven per
cent of the brains of Amerikan pot
smokers have turned to cream cheese."
Earlier, the AMA had maintained
the cream cheese rate was significantly
higher, according to research
commission chairman Dr. Pink E. Lee.
"We're ready to admit we
over-reacted in our original statement,
and grass research will be higher on my
priority list henceforth," Dr. Lee said.
The AMA has estimated at least 173
million Amerikans smoke cannabis
regularly.
In a related development, the Kraft
Dairy Co. has offered to purchase the
brains of deceased pot smokers for use
in their production.
WASHINGTON - (CPS) - A
thorough investigation has proved
beyond a reasonable doubt that the
Students for a Democratic Society
(SDS) are in fact responsible for
causing the nation's problems.
SDS planted 170,000 of its top
revolutionaries in offices from Bangor,
Maine to Elko, Nevada to create the
appearance of nationwide trouble.
Government and union officials alike
have been crediting SDS with the
problems all along, providing they're
not so dumb after all.
"We're not so dumb after all,” said
Vice President Agnew. "We knew good
Americans wouldn't cop out on us like
that. It's just those effete assinine
pseudo-Panther SDSers stirring up
trouble."
A CPS investigation into the circular
files of SDS Comrade Mark Rudd has
shown that there would have been no
problems were it not for a substantial
effort by SDS which discovered and
taught the SDS members how severely
oppressed they were.