Newspapers / The Fool-Killer (Pores Knob, … / Jan. 1, 1911, edition 1 / Page 2
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The Fool-Killer A Pungent Periodical of ThrillingL Thought. PUBLISHED MONTHLY. j. L.. PEARSON EDITOIC One year to your heart, 25 Cents, In Clubs of Five or More, 15 Cts. Entered Ss second class matter March 30, 1910, at the post office at Moravian Kails, N. C, under the act of March 3, 1879. I w TAKE NOTICE! Do not send Postage Stamps on subscription. Remittances should be made by Registered Letter or Post Office Mon ey Order drawn on .Moravian Falls, Be careful to write your own name and address plainly, and . direct all letters and make all orders payable to: , ' ' THE FOOL-KILLER. "Moravian Falls, N. C. Idiotorials Is your resolution onf straight?. v : JBeware of the Q-cumber. Jt ; will W up. When you can't sleep, think. ofThe Fool-Killer. All great truths were, hooted at somewhere along the line. - Let Us Talk It Over Well; dear sinner friends, this is The Fool-Killer. x How does it set on your stomach? If you like it, you can get more at headquarters. The Fool-Killer is not even a forty-' leventh cousin to any other paper on earth. v - - It stands in a class by itself and its field is as broad as the English language. This, paper wears no bell, muzzle, collar nor halter. You can put that down to start with. I am the fellow who works at the pump-handle on this pungent period ical of thrilling thought. I print only what I write: I write only what I think; and I think what I doggon please. I own this entire establishment, and Rockefeller isn't rich enough to buy one share of it. Does that sound strange? Well, bless your soul, I am a great deal richer than Old John. I never travelled any to speak of. but I have read a great deal, and have thunk some. I have also writ a few books which I know are great, because they don't sell worth a cent Qreat books never do. And then I started The Fool- Killer, just to quiet my nerves and Keep the old press from getting rusty. From the seclusion of these wooded hills there will go forth each month a hot old bundle of literary dynamite that will shake the rotten foundations of society and cause the Church o . Mammon to at least turn over in its sleep. The Fool-Killer will be a month ly mustard-plaster for the blood-boils of Society, Church and State. It will be salted with wit, peppered with humor and seasoned with sart casm. Every line, will cut like a whip, and every word will raise a blister. If you are a fool you had better not subscribe for THE FOOL-KILLER. Jf you are wise you will. And so that - settles it. - What you get for nothing is worth usff about what you pay for it. The old world has started pn an other annual gallop around the race track oil time. : r ; The difference between a states man andSi politician s is that the statesman is dead. It is human nature to cuss a fellow while he lives and throw flowers on his grave when -he dies . .- An exchange tells about a needle working out of a boy's breast. That's a new kind of needleworks Friends, I Want to ask; a favor of you. I want you to send me a list of names of people : whom you think would enjoy reading The Fool-Killer. First and foremost, get, all the sub scriptions you can and send them in, and then send me the' names of a dozen or so of your friends who are not subsriTtjers, and let me send them sample copies. Select the names of people who will enjoy reading some- thing warm and who 4 are not so "goody-goody" that they can't endure a plain, flat-footed statement of the naked truth. -rv ? 7 6w, ; f riendsi don't neglect this. Better do it right now, before, you forget it. Send in a big club if you can, but if you can't get the subscrib ers you can certainly send me the list of sample copy names. Let me hear from every one of you. 7 Mister, if I. say something you can't swallow, just remember, that the best of meat often has a few bones in it This issue is " not quite as rich as common, Dut .. just De patient. v l n make the next one still richer to makQ up. for it. . ' . . :- " " '" . -.. -V The fashionable preacher may be yelping on the devil's track, but it's a back-track, and a mighty cold one at that. Yes, buddy, be enthusiastic about yourself, and be conceited if it will do you any good, but don't make so much racket about it. - A notice posted on a fence in Mis souri reads as follow : "Losted, von white caff, mit him hind legs plack. He iss von she caff. He iss mine. John." It seems that some men come into the world ready bridled and saddled to be ridden, and others ready booted and spurred to ride. And that is man's doing God never intended should be that way. it A tutor who tooted the flute Tried to tutor two tooters to toot; Said the two to the tutor, "Is it harder to toot, or ' ToJtutor-two tooters to toot?" The poor benighted- Hindu, He does the best he kindu; He sticks to his caste From first to last, V And for pants-he makes his skindu. Several readers have requested me to print my picture in The Fool-Kill er, and I have decided to do so at an early date. And . I will say righ here that I would be "purty " if wasn't for iny face. - KAMES WANTED. Parable of the Tobacco Seed it Somebody ought to grab up the god of fashion- by the nape of the neck and the bosom of the breeches and slam him against the shrinking face of nature so hard it would raise blisters on the bottom of the bead Sea. Then they ought to go over the earth with a fine-tooth comb 'and f now your fields into corn and wheat Then shall the kingdom of Satan be likened ;unto a grain of tobacco seed, which, though exceedingly small, be ing cast into the ground, grew and be came a great plait, and spread its leaves rank and broad, so that vile worms formed a habitation thereon And it came to pass in the course of time that the sons of men looked upon it and thought it beautiful. To make them look big and manly, the lads put forth their hands and did chew thereof ; and some it made sick, and others to vomit most filthily. And it further- came to pass that they who chewed it became weak and unmanly, and said : "We are enslaved and can't cease chewing it." And the mouths of all, who were enslaved , be came foul, and they were seized with a violent spitting, and did ' spit even in the ladies' parlors and in the house of the Lord of hosts, and the saints xof the Most High were greatly plagued thereby. And in the course of time-it came also to pass" that others snuffed it and they: were takea suddenly with fits, and they did sneeze with great and mighty sneezes, insomuch that their eyes filled with tears, and they did look exceedingly silly. Andyet others cunningly wrought the leaves thereof into rolls, and did set. fire to the end thereof, and did look very grave and calMike, sucking N it, and the smoke of their torment ascended up forever and ever. And the cultivation thereof became a great and mighty business in the earth, and the merchantmen waxed rich by- the commerce thereof. And it came to pass that the saints of the Most High defiled themselves. And even the poor, who could shoes, nor bread, nor books for their little ones, spent their money for it and the Lord was greatly displeased therewith and . said, "Wherefore this waste; and why. do these little one lack bread and shoes and bo Turn your attention to change (this wicked evil which has grown up in your midst in a gospel land. Turn gather mto a pile those microscopic mites of mortality -who spend their little lives fawning at the feet of Fashion, .rip their regulation rags off of their foppish frames, dress them in decent duds and put them to work. and defile not yourselves any more and God will bless you and; cause the smile of his countenance to shine oh you." But with one accordthey al exclaimed, "we cannot cease ; from cnewing and snuffing and puffing. We are slaves to. the evil plague." HOW TO BUILD A FLYING : MACHINE. Everybody ' will f want a flying- machine in 1911 and so T am going to give you a few simple rules by which you can build and operate your own flying-machine. - ; ' For hundreds of " years men have been trying to learn how to fly, and t was only a few months ago that the nroblem was solved. Now that we have learned how, it all looks as sim ple as rolling off a log, and it seems strange to "us that the inventors did not hit the right combination long ago. A few years longer and flying will be so common that the birds will take to walking to escape the crowds in the air. The Fool-Killer wants to make itself useful as well as ornamental, and that's why I am going to give you these rules for the. -construction and operation of a flying-machine. When you think of going into the flying business it is very important to begin at the right place. ; The first thing to make is your will. Then you should buy your coffin and select the place where! you want to be buried. Having attended to these prelim inaries, you must get your motor ready next. I jiearly always use a No. 9 skinnyrorum with a second hand sockdoliger attached to it, which ' makes a very good motor, v If your local dealer doesn't handle sockdol- igers you can use a dadgumbus,' which will do about as well.v Be sure and see that the booge-pipe is firmly at tached to the thunder-box, and keep plenty of splodigood inthe spoodlet. Authorities differ in regard to the pushalong paddalorums. Some in ventors claim that they should run like a nigger with the devil after him, while others insist that they should operate : on the principle , of a duck's foot in the mud. You-will notice that I use scientific terms along here. If you do not knowthe meaning of my words, I will be gladto ""send their definitions by freight. r t.',-h- After getting your motor and wind paddles fixed, - as per instructions above, the next thing in order is to get you about a dozen good strong gookuses "and fasten them together at each end with small-sized what nots. These gookuses must be as slim as a liar's hope of heaven and at least as long as a tattler's - tongue. In width you can suit yourself, but I always multiply the circumameter of the whatnot by the square . of the gookus and divide by compound sub traction. I have used this rule in all niy flying'-machine experiments, .and it has given perfect satisfaction. - After you get your gookuses and Whatnots all . worked up, then you must cover them wifti the finest qual ity oi: flyupity, and that completes your planes, or thingamajigs, as we scientists "call them. i: All that remains to be done,' now, is to connect the hellbenders with the flubbydubs, and attach the joedarter to the junewheel, and you ae ready for flying.. Before starting up, how ever, you should examineevery part of your machine-very carefully. See that the whicker-board is not touch ing the diblet anywhere, and don't let the gee-string get tangled up with the wobackus. ; - Having looked after all these, mat ters, you 'are ready to turn on the juice and jump in. Squeeze the - toot- ball and give the gofetchit a gentle pull, and you are off. -V- By following these simple ? direc tions even a school-boy should be able to build and operate a flying machine so successfully that he could skim the cream from the Milky Way, drive home the cows, and do a great many little errands like that. Just why these hateful, high-flyin hags of "sawsiety" should call them selves the "best, people" is a puzzle, unless' they haveNT reference to their superior skill and accomplishments in all the low-down," devil-begotten dissipations of modern life.
The Fool-Killer (Pores Knob, N.C.)
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Jan. 1, 1911, edition 1
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