Newspapers / The Fool-Killer (Pores Knob, … / March 1, 1911, edition 1 / Page 2
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it j . I-- i r J:- The Fool-Killer A Pungent Periodical of Thrilling Thought. " PUBLISHED MONTHLY. " . . J. L. PEARSON - - EDITOR, One year to your heart, 25 Cents, hi Clubs of Five or More, 15 Cts. Entered as second class matter March 30, 1910, at the posfomce at Moravian Falls, N. C, under the act of March 3, 1879. - TAKE NOTICE! Do not send Postage Stamps on subscription. Hemittances should be made by Registered Letter or Post Office Mon ey Order drawn on Moravian, Falls, N. o. lie careful to write your own name anl address plainly, and direct all letters and make all orders payable to: ' -. THE FOOIKILLER. Moravian Falls, N. C. IBIOTOBIAIS. Peace! ' Peace! BangL " Bang! 'Whatwas that you "said ..about peace mister? A college education is often' the beginning of a brilliant failure. Hello, Andy! That Peace Founda tion is getting sorter tottery, sain't it? v; I am giving you some, good Ser mons this trip. Read 'em and pass em around. I f old Jim Monroe wants . his "Dp trine" defended, let him come and defend it. That's what I say. :If Taft gets in reach of those Mex ican bullets, all that - belly .will be mighty ( easy : to hit. , : ' -' A man's stomach is sorter round like, and yet nothing fits it so well as a square meal. Ain't that strange? As The Fool-Killer gets older it gets hotter. Next issue will be a humdinger from the old house place. Let Us Talk It Over Well, dear sinner friends, this - is The Fool-Killer. How does it set on your stomach? If you like it, you can get more at headquarters. The Fool-Killer is not even a forty-'leventh cousin to any other, paper on earth. - , It stands in a class - by itself, and its field is as .broad as the English language. This paper wears no bell, muzzle, collar nor halter. You can putwthat down to start with. I am the fellow who works at the pump-handle on this pungent period ical of thrilling thougnt. I print only what I write ; I write only wnat I mink; and I think what I doggon please. -1 own this entire establishment, and Rockefeller isn't rich enough to buy one snare of it. - - Does that sound 'strange? Well, bless your soul, I am a great deal ncner than Old J ohn. I never travelled any to speak of, but I nave read, a great; deal, ana nave thuuK some. I have also writ a few books which I Know are greac, oecause cney don't sea vvorui a cent. Great books never do. And then I started The Fool KiLLEii, juso to qtueo my nerves anu keep cne uia press irom getting rusty. From the seclusion of these wooded hilxs tnere will go forth each month a hot old bundle of literary dynamite that will snake the rotten touudauons of society and cause the Church of Mammon to at least, turn over in its sleep.' ; , ; '.' The Fool-Killer will be a month ly mustard-plaster for the blood-boils of Society, Church and State. It will be -salted with wit, peppered with humor and seasoned with sar casm. ' :rv; .,-'.. Every line will cut like a whip; and every word will raise a blister. If you are a fool you had better not subscribe for THE FOOL-KILLER. , If you are wise you will. ' And so that settles it. Stick this paper in your pocket and take it to the mill, the store, and everywhere else you go. When you get in a crowd, just yank outThe Fool-Killer and read a few chapters. If you are in doubt' as to , which is the right side of any given question, just find . out where " the plutocrats are" roosting, ; and then you hop up on the other limb. , If you want to see how - tills, quill driver, looks, don't fair to get a copy of next issue. I am going to get a picture of myself to print, or break every camera I can find in the - at tempt. , ' J am now adding one hundred new names to my subscription list every week. That does very well, but I want to do still better. Boys, you can make it a thousand a week just as easy. . . , It's a puzzle to me how some ed itors managed to get along before I started .The Fool-Killer. Boys, I don't care how much of my stuff you re print if you will only give The Fool- xiiller the proper credit SHAKE OX YOU, HOSE. If you subscribe for this pungent periodical of thrilling r thought and wion't get your money's worth out of tne first issue, I will agree to pay pack your fifteen cents and eat the other eleven copies of your subscript tion. ' - Our great-grandaddies "fit," bled wild died for our liberty, and that was all right -but wnen the poor - op pressed and down-trodden Mexicans begin to fight for that same sweet liberty, we have to hike down there with our armies and put a stoptQ it. Ain't we a devil of a set, anyhow? . Down in Eastern North Carolina they've got a new sort of tangle-leg made out of cane-juice, rand they say it will make the drunk come tobeat the band. The" new drink is called "Mockum." The name is supposed to mean that if the fellow who drinks it can't act just like the corn licker artists, he can mock 'em mighty well. Great whoop tolthuhder! It-just do beat ninety-'leven iinds .of .red-eyed .lemons.. Look here, now one month ago I was in urgent -need of an ap propriate poem to print in sThe Fool Xiller. So : I ' sat down here r in iny gold-plated sanctum, with pencil' in hend, and spenCone whole . evening grinding out a poem for the occasion, it was awful hard work. I chewed up six new pencils, wasted seven pounds of writing paper, kicked the 3tove down twice, and pulled - out anough oik. my beautiful curls to pad i horse-collar. : After hours and hours of sweat- and ' blood and agony . the ;oera; was finally finished about .1:30 pea em and I printed it In the "ebruary, Fool-Killer,: under., the title f "When the; Dollar Rules the Pul ;it and the Devil Rules the Pew." sorter;" took a fancy to that- little hild of my brain and I had a kind jf sneakin' hope that I would see it opied in the exchanges. And sure nough, I was not to be disappointed. ' don't know how many of the papers opied the poem, but the Texas Re publicr published at San Antonio, exas, not . only copied it but stole 't just literally swiped it soul and ody, and never said scat, thank you lor kiss my foot. iNot: satisfied with itealing the poem and printing it without credit, The - Republic went a step further and "doctored" it to, suit ts own boozified notions. The Re )ublic is an aful, unreasonable, fire ating Anti-Prohibitionist. It would rather do without its meals than its likker any day, and to utter the word .'Prohibition" in its hearing is like haking a red rag at a bull. Now in order to make my poem fit ntb the likker-laden atmosphere that .urrounds The Republic's office there id to be some "doctoring," and here s what happened. In the original I wrote: - - When religion goes a-begging, y And the Bible is forgot,; aid the preacher preaches nothing Only scientific rot," nt The Republic makes the last lines here quoted to read: 'And the preacher preaches nothing Only Prohibition rot." . Now if that ain't .gall with boots on I don't know what to call it. Let me say for The Republic's benefit that I am a Prohibitionist myself never drank a drop of likker in my life, and I" denounce Old feooze and all of its attendant evils,, as the crowning infa my of the Devil. And then to have my poem changed in such a way as to make it speak in favor of drunken nesswell, that does just cap the stack. An editor who would stoop to such a low-down dirty trick would not balk at the proposition of stealing a sheepl. The Texas Republic is edited by a little sawed-off wart of- humanity cnswering to the name of Mose Har ris. He is very small; physically and still smaller morally, and seems to have no other god but .Old Booze. I am informed that Mose is a Jew, which is about the worst reflection' on God's chosen people that I have heard in a long time. The Fool-Killed has many warm f rienda among the . Jew ish people,; and I naturally feel sorry for any race that has to "let Mose Harris .claim kin with it A SERMON OJT BOOZE Hello; you '.- red-nosed booze-artist, and all you fellows wnb whoop It up forOld Mr. Booze Double : up your hind leg and sit down on it and listen to your Uncle -preach a few toots. Boys, T . can preach against likker and do it with a clear conscience, be cause L practice what I preach. I am 31 years old and getting older every day, and I can truthfully say that : not one drop of your : infernal red-eye has ever had the privilege of gurgling down my dumplin-path. . I don't have any idea how the nasty stuff tastes, and if it , tastes half as bad as it makes some of you fellers act, I certainly have no desire to taste it. Some of you say it tastes good. Well, if it tasted ten thousand times better than honey and sugar and pound-cake and candy and kisses, I'll be dad-swatted if I'd make an infer nal nasty, wallerin' wild beast of my self for the sake of any doggon taste. If the opening chapters of a jag are so sweet and soul -satisfying in the matter of taste, how about that taste that, comes waddlin' along toward the shank end of the high lone some?. I have seen, 'em come stag gering' home the morning after with a breath that would run a hungry dog off of a gut-wagon and a mouth that must have tasted like a buzzard roost in hot weather. And yet just as soon as they get over the effect of one bender they go right back, and tank up again willing to repeat the whole beastly performance over and over and over just for the sake of a taste. Don't that jar your grand mammy's pickles? But, - oh, some red-snouted guzzler jumps . up and says he don't like the : taste of the stuff, but he likes the effectit makes him feel good; , Well,- buddy it must make you feel a thunderation sight better than it makes you look. For the sake of decency, if I. were in your place, I'd be willing to whack off a few joints of my good feeling) and tack it onto my looks. That would sorter even things up ahdj make you more respectable." Why, hang-take it, . fellers, if I should ever, be guilty of pouring my Caucasian hide full of rot-gut likker and cutting such shines as I've seen some of your gang cut I'd be ashamed to look a sheep-killing dog in the face ny more. I honestly would. But the; booze-artist does he f eel a shamed? Not on your auburn whisk 3rs, Jeems Henry. If he ever had ny sense of shame it has been con sumed in the liquid fire that filters down his goozle.- He can wallow in the gutter for a whole week, and then spruce up on Sunday and go to church and be the biggest ' duck n the puddle. - He can drive along the road with his honey-gal ' and show her his full length photograph .n the mud and never -blush. I have actually heard fellows brag bout being drunk, and they seemed to think it m:s something to Be proud of. Lord have mercy on their poor, :niserable, mustard-seed souls! I just wish they could see themselves thru the eyes of a decent sober man for about five minutes. Now listen you old booze-barrels, you!: If you are just Tiell-bent on being a hog anyhow, why in the name of. sense don't you get down on your all-fours and pray God to give you forked hoofs, so you can be. a hog right? .... x 1 i 4 1 i
The Fool-Killer (Pores Knob, N.C.)
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March 1, 1911, edition 1
2
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