The Rasp. (Raleigh, N.C.) /
March 5, 1842, edition 1 /
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W. & J. B. WHITAKER,
EDITORS AND PROPRIETORS.
VOLUME II. NUMBER 6.
RALEIGH, MARCH 5, 1842.
SINGLE COPY ,3
"JVE COME, THE HERALD OF A JVOISY WORLD.
The Rasp is published every Saturday morn
ing, at One Dollar and Fifty Cents per annum,
payable in advance.
H3 Any person sending us six new subscri
bers, and the subscription money for one year,
shall receive the seventh number free of charge,
for the same length ot time.
Advertisements conspicuously inserted, at
the very reduced price of Fifty Cents per square
for the first insertion, and Twenty-five Cents
for each continuance.
THE PORK THEATRE.
Some years ago, the good citizens of Smith
field, Virginia, (a place famous for its hams
and hogs on two and four legs,) were greatly
astonished one fine morning, onperceiving the
piazza in fiont of the principal hotel, entirely
monopolized by a party of mysterious looking
individuals, who seemed to have forgotten one
passage in Scripture at least, viz: ' to shake the
dust from their feet.' One lank, toothless,lisp
ing gentleman, who seemed to be the chief of
the party, was leisurely smoking his cigar,and
amusing himself at intervals with squirting to
bacco juice at ihe black head of a nail on the
bannister. This was none other than the im
mortal Ned Clemens, the man who received
his musical education under Jim Crow Rice,
and who helped to forward the political inter
ests of America, by sending a propitiary offer
ing to Q,ueen Victoria, when there was a pros
pect of war, in the shape of an old raccoon,
with the respects and the name of the illustri
ous donor engraved on a brass dog collar on
the quadruped's neck.
Ned had been unfortunate, and picking out
the fag ends of the Portsmouth company, he
resolved to take Smithfield by storm. Accord
ingly he hirjgd a room, and announced, to the
public that he and his corps would appear be
fore them that evening, in the tragedy cf Ham
let. The Smithfield people were willing to
attend his exhibition; but alas! they had no mo
ney! All their trading transactions were ac
complished through the medium of pork, and
Ned was obliged to put out bis bills in the fol
lowing manner : 'This evening will be per
formed the tragedy of Hamlet the part of the
melancholy Dane by Mr. Edwin Butler Clem
ens, pupil of the celebrated Daddy Rice, the
unrivalled representative of negro characters.
Admission, front seats, one well cured smoked
ham middle seats for grown persons, one side
of bacon do. for children, joles and roasting
pieces season tickts can be had by leaving a
whole hog, subject to the order of Mr. Clem
ens, in the pen of Mr. Boggs, tavern keeper;'
The evening came Ned was on the stage
in a state of confusion, having a pair old black
pants on. Ned lisped, and thus he commen
ced, 'Oh, that thith too too tholid fleth would melt,
Thaw and retholve itself into a iew.
Door keeper, behind the scenes Mr.Clem
ens, Mr. Clemens. Little Bob Speggins wants
to know if you wont trust him till to-morrow
night, and says he'll driv his little speckled
back hog into our pen airly in the morning.
Neu, (aside) Tell Spigginths that I don't
do buthineth on credit
'Hith cannon gainth thelf thlaughter.'
One of the audience. Thar! wish I may be
made into a hog trough, if his mouth don't
lock likea biled persimming!
Ned. How weary, lhale, flat and unprofit
able Door keeper. Mr. Clemens, Mr. Clemens.
Here's a woman who wants to know it she can
come in for lour soused pig's feet?
Ned. don't bother me) Theems all the
trimmings of thith world to me! Fie on't, oh
fie! 'tis an uaweeded garden
A negro here burst into the middle of the
audience, singing out 'Massa, massa Grimes,
de hogs is rootin all your morerummutimicau
Ned. That it should come to this! But two
One of the audience. My blessid baby is
jist been dead that long.
Ned. sotto xoceJ D-n your baby! you put
me out. Nay, not so muchj not two
The baby's mother. I tell you it is been two.
Ned, looking at his boots. Or e'er those shoes
The baby's mother. I give fifteen pound of
sassage meat for them prunellas, to go to the
Ned. With which she followed him to the
grave, like somebody, all tears. She married
The dead baby's step-father. You lie, you
weazen faced shoat, you. She dii'nt marry
your uncle. She married me, Bill Simpson
the tripe biler.'
This was a settler, and Ned rushed from the
stage in perlect phrenzy.
It chills my blood, to hear the blest Supreme
Rudely appealed to on each trifling theme;
Maintain your rank, vulgarity despise;
To swear is neither brave, polite nor wise.
You would not swear upon a bed of death,
Reflect-your Maker now can stop your breath.
The Yankee. In a late debate in Congress,
Mr. Marshall paid a warm and glowing eulo
gium upon the Yankee character. It was the
Yankee, he said, who had shed the first blood
for our liberty. The first nigger that had been
drawn in resistance to British tyranny had
been drawn by a Yankee finger, and they had
acted in that policy from that time to this.
The policy of the country had been repeatedly
shifted, but the Yankee had always accommo
dated himself to it. Government could not
The difference. A dbg is accounted mad
when he won't take 'something to drink,' and
a man insane when he takes too much. A fi
nancier remains 'respectable' with a fortune
that don't belong him, while a beggar becomes
a criminal for purloining a piece of meat.
There was a postmaster in Ohio, a few yeais
ago, says the Dayton Journal, who kept tavern,
and used the margin of the newspapers recei
ved at his office to keep his accounts on. Af
ter retaining the papers till he collected his
debts, he delivered them to the persons they
were addressed to. The credit he was in the
habit of giving did not of course permit a very
prompt delivery and the only return made the
subscriber foro great a delay in the receipt
of the paperf" consisted in the amusement
which an inscription of the various entries of
charges for 'ginger cake,' beer, cider, whiskey,
&c. was calculated to afford. '
Why is a child with a cold in its head like a
winter's night? It 'blows it snowse' nose you
Why is a nail driven in apiece of hard wood
like an old man? Because he is In-Jirm.
Why is a flourishing landlord sure to have
plenty of relations? Because hemust have
What are the best shoes for wet weather?
WThy are ladies like bread? Because they
are often ibasted. Switch.
The best of friends must part,5 as the, rat
said when it left part of its tail in the trap.
PAN OF GRAVY.
'Ba-a-a! Ba-a-a!' 'shrieks a half naked infant
of about eighteen months old.
'What's the matter with mamma's thweet
yittle ducky?' says its affectionate mother,while
she presses it to her bosom, and the young sar
pint in return digs its talons into her face.
'Da den, Missis, I knows wot little massa
Jim wants,' exclaims the cherub's negro nurse.
'You black hussey! why don't you tell me
then?' and the infuriated mother gives Dinah
a douse in the chops with her shoe.
'Why, ee wants to put his foot in datpanob
gravy, wots coolen on de harf,' whimpers the
'Well, and why don't you bring it here, you
aggrevating nigger you, replies the mother of
the bawling young one.
Dinah brings the gravy, and little Jim puts
his feet in the pan, dashing the milkwarm
grease about his sweet pumpy little shanks, to
the infinite amusement of his mother who ten
'Did momor's yettle Dimmy want to put its
teeny-weeny footesy's in the gravy. It shall
play in the pan as much it choosy-woosey's,
and then it shall have its pooty yed frock on,
and go and see its pappy yappy!'
HOW TO KEEP A LOBSTER.
It is the easiest thing in the world to eat a
lobster, if you like it the hardest thing in the
world to digest Jt, whether you like it or not,
and either the easiest or hardest to keep the
year round, if you only know. Perhaps the
reader never heard how Job Doolittle once kept
a lobster a good while in hot weather, all the
way from Boston to Vermont,and ever so much
longer. Jjb started for Boston some years a-
go, with a load of notions in his wagon, which,
having disposed of, he filled up with a load of
nick-nacks for the home market. Just as he
was about leaving the city, he saw a wheel
barrow full of queerly shaped red things, with
huge claws and other appurtenances, which so
astonished him that he pulled up.
'What be them are things, mister?' said Job
to the wheelbarrow man.
Lobsters, sir, lobsters didn't you ever see
'No dang me if I did. What queer looking
things, ain't they they won't bite, will they?'
he continued, dropping one rather suddenly,
which he had taken up 'They smell almighty
queer, and kinder good too. Where do they
'They live in the water but I say, mister,
none of your torn foolery. You don't mean to
say you never saw a lobster before?'
'Yes I do mister, you needn't think case
you know everything I do. What red chinks
their fathers and mothers must been.'
They are green, green, sir, when they are
alive, but when boiled turn red.'
'Well, I vow now, that's queer. Most folks
turn red when they get into hot water. But
you don't mean to say these things were ever
'Yes I do as green as you be?'
'Pshaw, how you talk! Well, I must have
one any how.'
So pulling out a quarter of a dollar, Job
bought a lobster, and putting it into his wagon,
dreve off. Having reached a Tillage a few
miles from the city, he stopped to bait his
horses at a tavern, the landlord of whieh, who
was a great wag, by the way, came out and
began to look over the things in hib wagon, to
see what he had to sell.
'Ah, you have a lobster! I declare that's a
fine one. Aint yon afraid it won't keep till
you get home?'
'Keep! Why not? It's fresh ain't it? I
never seed one of them afore, and so I thought
I'd iust take one-home to show my wife.'
'Oh, my good sir it will never keep unless
it is gutted.'
'Yes, certainly, gutted. Who ever thought
of keeping a lobster without having it gutted 1
Ha! ha! ha! that's a good one!'
'Well I thought the fellow I bought it of
was trying to deceive me. I'd rather hare
given foarpence more to gut it.'
'Oh, never mind I'd as lief do it as not for
you, and won't ask any thing.'
The landlord took it into his house, and call
ing a couple of friends he opened the lobster,
and they had a fine meal of it. When they
had got through, he scraped together the shells
and claws, wrapped them up very carefully in
an old towel,and took the bundle to Job's wag
on. 'There,' said mine host, 1 I've gutted the
lobster in fine style, and think you will find it
will keep until you get home.'
'Thank you mister,' said Job, jumping into
his wagon and driving off, after having very
carefully laid the lobster away in a snug cor
ner of the vehicle. 'Much obliged to you
mister, I'll do as much for you some time.
What a scamp that fellow was in Bosting to
sell me a lobster without gutting it.'
The lobster kept, and kept well, till Job
reached home. How Mrs. Doolittle relished
it is more "than we can say, but from the fact
that Job got off a lot of dog meat 'sassengers,'
which she had prepared for the purpose, upon
the tavern keeper, it is fair to presume that the
lobster did not sit very well on her stomach.
If your sister, while tended engaged m a
tender conversation with her sweetheart, re
quests you to bring her a glass of water from
the adjoining room, you can start on the er
rand, but you need not ieturn. You will not
Botheration. Pa, what is a file?
A piece of ragged steel about so long or
Does soldiers use files, pa?
No, dear, they use swords and guns.
Yes, but here is a paper says the soldiers
filed off, and I guess they couldn't file off
without any files.
O but my child, a file of soldiers is not
like a steel file at ail.
Well, you men is like great fools, them all,
for hang me if I can find out what you mean,
by your ugly words. Pa, what is a sky light?
Sky light, my dear, are stars in the firma
ent. Well, pa I never seed any cracked staTS.
Cracked stars! How foolish you talk,child.
Foolish! thunder! don't this 'ere paper say
the hail cracked a great many sky lights?
Oh! ah! yes, you may go to bed my dear.
The Bangor Whig is responsible for the fol
lowing melting stanzas:
TO MISS .
Methought my heart a roasting lay,
On Cupid's kitchen spit,
Methought he stole thy heart awa,
And stuck it next to it.
Methought thy heart Vegan to melt,
And mine to gravy run,
Till both a glow congenial felt,
And melted into one.
He who is an Ass, and takes himself to be a
Stag, when he comes to leap the ditch will
find his mistake.
'When taken to be well shaken,' as the dog
said when he caught a rat.
Pay te Printer. C3 "r
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