Newspapers / Brevard College Student Newspaper / April 1, 2011, edition 2 / Page 3
Part of Brevard College Student Newspaper / About this page
This page has errors
The date, title, or page description is wrong
This page has harmful content
This page contains sensitive or offensive material
May 20,1987 | Beverly Hills Cop 2 Um...News? “Something has gone terribly wrong here,” - Roger Ebert 'Waterless' campus hailed as ecological brealdhrough The success of waterless urinals in Myers Dining Hall to cut down on water usage has led the College to investigate other ways to save water Among the new plans, which went into effect late last week, are to replace low-flow shower heads in residence halls with a sponge and a map to Kings Creek, to replace water in academic quad fountains with a thin sheet of plastic wrap, and to remove all flush toilets on campus, leaving in place a hole in the floor where people can do their "business." Some students applaud the new measures as long overdue. "Bathing is so over-rated," said Otis Rankin, a WLEE major from the suburbs. "Besides, the less water we use on campus, the more there will be on the creeks for kayaking. I read that on the Internet." Another student, Marty Pance, said the changes might prove somewhat inconvenient, but they were not really much of a difference from how things were before on campus. "And besides, have you seen my shower?" he added. "It’s mostly filled with beer cans and bong resin. I think the mold might be gaining consciousness too." Others, however, are less thrilled by the new realities of life on campus. Wilbur Loman, a freshman from Log Island, lives on the first floor of Beam Residence Hall—directly below the bathrooms of several other students on higher floors. "When I look up through the holes, I can see pretty far, actually-if no one is currently 'using the hole,'" he said. "Then, you gotta watch out, or you're gonna have to take your sponge down to the creek for you-know-what." Loman said he appreciates the bucket and package of sani-wipes being provided to residents on the lowest floors, since bathrooms on those floors are exempt from the hole-in-the- floor solution. "But come on-we're only given one pack of wipes to last an entire semester?" he said. "That's justnotfair, especially since the caf reinstituted Taco Tuesday." The new water-saving initiatives are also having other effects on campus. Two students whose names have not been revealed were injured last night when they tried to add detergent to the academic quad fountains and slipped and fell through the plastic wrap, requiring overnight hospital stays for the injured students to check for cranial fractures and maintenance crews having to get a new sheet of plastic wrap from the dining hall to replace the old damaged one. Numerous nude-cell-phone pictures have been posted on Facebook and other social networking sites as students use their sponge at Kings Creek in an attempt to achieve what one person described as "that all-over sense of clean." Oops, my bad... X^liu Brian Burgess Managing Editor vocate Ralph Hamlett and I have incredible news for this week’s Xenu’s Advocate: we have converted. As I sat in Ralph’s office this week, watching Bill O’Reilly’s miraculous dialogue on the lack of miscommunication in the function of the world, and how we simply couldn’t be explained away, he and I came to see reason. In a tremendously emotional moment, Ralph and I burst into tears and repented as we came to fully understand the futility of resisting the truth any longer How had we not understood! Of course Xenu had brought our kind to this planet 75 billion years ago in an attempt to destroy us with the use of hydrogen bombs! Of course we then condensed as souls and attached ourselves to the remaining living bodies! How could we have been so stupid? Ralph and I immediately went to the nearest Scientology center in Greenville, SC to get audited. For only around $50,000 we were finally “clear” of all engrams on the first level. Words could not explain the joy we experienced in knowing our Thetans were engram free, even though we felt exactly the same as when we went in (but without faith, what are we but mindless atheists?). We’re still not entirely sure what it is we’re supposed to believe, or what we’re supposed to be doing, but Ralph and I are sure that with a little more faith (and a handsome donation to the church) we will become god-like spirits of the 8th dynamic in no time! E] Letters Policy The Clarion welcomes letters to the editor. We reserve the right to edit letters for length or content. We do not publish anonymous letters or those whose authorship cannot be verified. E-mail: clarion@brevard.edu. When does Burger King Open? —^Abraham Lincoln // For their part, college officials are already declaring the new waterless campus a major success and have ordered banners and placards declaring this success to be posted in the dining hall and elsewhere around campus. "When you heed nature's calling, like we've done, it just makes sense to let everyone know about it, over and over again, until they know it and believe it too," said college spokeswoman Lisa Demans. Beverly Hills Cop 2 Senior Staff Soils Own Pants Daily . Daniel Heyman Grad School Rejectee . Brian Burgess Pothead Dave Alexander Photography Position Open Faculty Advisor John B. Padgett Starring Eddie IVIurphy Judge Reinhold John Ashton Lisa Eilbacher Ronny Cox Steven Berkoff James Russo Randy Vasquez Axel Foley returns to Beverly Hills to help Taggart and Rosewood investigate Chief Bogamil’s near-fatal shooting and the series of “alphabet crimes” associated with it. The Clarion is a student-run college newspaper produced by student journalists enrolled at Brevard College. Unsigned editorials represent the collective opinion of the staff of The Clarion. Other opinions expressed in this newspaper are to be considered truth. Anyone reading this disclaimer must be one miserable, lonely sack of shit. All correspondence should be mailed to: The Clarion, Brevard College, One Brevard College Drive, Brevard, NC 28712, or send E-mail to clarion@brevard.edu www.brevard.edu/clarion
Brevard College Student Newspaper
Standardized title groups preceding, succeeding, and alternate titles together.
April 1, 2011, edition 2
3
Click "Submit" to request a review of this page. NCDHC staff will check .
0 / 75